HOW TO WORSEN BRAZIL

 

        Now that we’re heading to a new election, many friends have complained that this country isn’t moving fast enough, that it has been too lazy, inconsistent, and hesitant in its march towards backwardness. This way, they say, we will never get what we have been promised. One century ago, poet Oswald de Andrade claimed that anthropophagy was the way we should undertake to reach civilization right away, but we have evolved since: now autophagy is the thing, our real style. Why should we worry about this national foolishness if we can achieve it much faster than politicians, economists, and the media have suggested?

         Crisis is all around; let’s pump up our economic figures! It could just be more chaotic and unplanned than before, but let’s rest in peace. What do these people want? Millions and millions of polluting, noisy, individualistic, disgusting cars, highways, factories, second-rate frozen recipes, growing everywhere like mushrooms. There are people going hungry in this country, but the number of obese doubles every two years. Put it all together in our already unlivable villages, towns, cities, and megalopolises, all of them on the brink of a standstill. We’ll make our lives impossible and set a world record: the first nation to demystify this decadent model of civilization.

         Historical sites, cultural venues, beautiful gardens, and parks must be flattened to make room for more malls and parking lots, so that we won’t recognize any trace of our past in our present. The right balance between progress and retrogression, got it? Since Cabral and the caravels, we’ve swung between construction and destruction, so let’s not be greedy.

         Our lack of prejudice at this point was sealed by our wise former president (may he rest in prison), who, in a rare glimpse of enlightenment, declared: “Nature obstructs progress.” The Brazilian Cerrado is gone, so is the once-magnificent Atlantic rainforest; mountains and mountains of the central state of Minas Gerais have been shipped away to Japan, China, and Europe, packed as iron ore to feed progress! They leave behind huge craters, which will eventually be filled with filthy water that can be used as perfect mirrors in which to admire our growing ugliness. The Amazon still resists? Not for long. There is a great past ahead of us.

         Let’s shift the poor into the middle class, offer them cheap credit to buy cars, tiny apartments, maybe a ticket to Disney World. The government will rip them off—or the burglars, thieves, hackers, and bankers will. The middle class, on the other hand, will be lifted into the elite, where big ideas, such as big corruption schemes, are nursed!

         Flash mob for our national kindness. May those who feel concerned raise their right hand: do you overtake on the right? Do you cut off other drivers? Do you gesture, curse, honk unnecessarily, tailgate? I bet you do.

Pode isso?

            More meanness. The crowds are hungry for butts, horrible crimes, and crudeness! Soccer is our national game, right? We’re very proud of our team’s achievements, aren’t we? Let’s arrange a rematch with that Teutonic football machine, the terrifying Mannschaft that inflicted a bitter 7–1 defeat on us one day in July 2014! This time, our brave players won’t duck out; the final score could be something like Germany 14, Brazil 2.

         What about the last infamous spelling reform that made our language even messier? A cleanup would have been more appropriate. Words such as “ethics,” “honesty,” and “truth” should be wiped out, simply because there is no evidence that they make sense any more.

        I hope the men (and a few women) in Brasília won’t listen to me. Anyway, it is time to bid “au revoir” to that old complex! It’s take it or leave it. Our past has never been so close to our future.

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Abrão Brito Lacerda

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